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I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Hello!

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Hello!

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.